Sprite - Seedhi Baat - No Bakwaas

It's another dreary afternoon in office. I am killing time & in turn time is killing me. In between all of this mayhem I am browsing rediff. I see a link which says "Chat with Kalki Koechlin". In a blink of an eyelid i don the nick of "sg-fanboy" and jump onto the forum which is already swarming with thousands of fanboys like me. I see desperate shouts like "Mam, please atleast say Hi to me". I pray that I don't end up with a plea like that loser & quickly start drafting a question in my mind. Something which would make her notice me, without resorting to blatant flattery.

It seems like my stars were aligned favorably as Kalki (or whoever was moderating the forum) deemed my queries (yes, 2 of them) worthy enough for reply. Here'z a cut 'n' paste for posterity..

+ + + + + + + + +
Sg-Fanboy asked, Hi Kalki, the scene in which you are seen coloring Abhay Deols face in the balcony.. what is it meant to signify ?

Kalki Koechlin answers, It was improvised at the shoot, it was kind of a reflection of how Chanda and Dev paint on happy faces when there's so much pain going on inside.
+ + + + + + + + +

+ + + + + + + + +
Sg-Fanboy asked, What was the need of re-interpreting Devdas story ? Minus all the gloss , it is still a very simple & linear story. IMHO, a talented guy like Anurag should use his energies on telling new universal stories. The kind of stories which would bring an Oscar home. Dev-D is totally India centric.. don't you think so ? AK is meant for bigger stuff.

Kalki Koechlin answers, It is India centric. But it's a step for Indian cinema, I think this allows him to do bigger stuff.
+ + + + + + + + +

There was a 3rd question which I slipped through shamelessly.
+ + + + + + + + +
Sg-Fanboy asked, Will you be my Valentine.. plz plz say Yes.. (lie if you must, but say Yes)
+ + + + + + + + +
Unfortunately, it didn't make the cut. One would hardly blame me, for being so blunt. At my rapidly advancing age, I am entitled for little bit of desperation. Sprite, "Seedhi Baat. No Bakwaas". That is my mantra for finding everlasting love, in 2009.

Cheers to me & my never ending singledom.

p.s : Happy Valentine's day to all of my loyal readers & disloyal valentines.

Mann-waa Ko Algolagnia Hui Gawaa

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Sadism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain or humiliation upon or by another person. Masochism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain or humiliation upon oneself.

Sadists desire to inflict pain; this may or may not be sexual in nature. Masochists desire to receive pain, which again may or may not be sexual. The simple physiological enjoyment of pain is technically known as algolagnia.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Interior – Movie Theatre – Night

One by one the lights go off. The opening montage of a movie starts unfolding on screen . A female voice can be heard on the soundtrack. A typical modern day easy paced melody with techno beats.

Tum Se Mohabbat Kar Lu.. Ji Bhar Ke aye ye ye
Poori Hasrat Kar Lu.. Ji Bhar ke.. aye ye ye

Everything is normal. Majority of the audiences have settled in their seats. Late comers are stumbling and feeling their way to their seats (**Ouccchh, mera peir baapu.. Meraa Peir **). The female voice fades out from the soundtrack, and a distinctly familiar male voice fades in..

Nazronnn Meinn Teri Kashish Ka Aalamnnn..
Dil Meinn Heinn Armanonn Ki Sargamnn

There is no mistaking that voice, its him alright. It's HIMesh – the high octave – Reshamaiyya. Spontaneously the whole theatre erupts in a cacophony of whistles, cat calls, doggie howls, clapping, hooting, hysterical screaming. People who were perfectly sane just few minutes ago, are now behaving like inmates of some mental asylum on a full moon night.

I have witnessed such scenes only once before in Singapore. The setting was same, interior of a theatre. The person who was making people behave irrationally was one gentleman with the name Sivaji Rao Gaekwad, and the movie was Baba. Now I am not much of an expert on Tamil cinema, but I reckon it must have taken Rajni few years to achieve that kind of cult status. But here is a guy (Himesh) who is getting that kind of mass adulation in only his 2nd movie! There has to be some logical explanation to the phenomenon that Himesh has become in such short span of time. While pondering seriously for 48 hours after watching Karzzzz, and after discounting several theories, realization dawned on me :

“Arey Mann-waa Ko Algolagnia Hui Gawaa"

I am predicting Karzzzz to sweep all major categories of Filmfare awards.Apart from the obvious best actor in a leading role, best playback singer, best music composer et all there are 2 other categories where it is gonna come up trumps:

Film-Fare for Best Costume Design / Makeup Artist

Himesh flies down to Kenya in a helicopter to meet his lady love. True to his Mumbaiyaa roots, he is seen hanging outside with the door open in mid-air, much same way as people hang out from local trains in Mumbai. The high point of this scene soon follows when the chopper lands near a lake where his gal is having a stand-up antakshari session. Without missing a beat the girl rushes in Himesh’s arm and they embrace right beneath the chopper.

You might wonder what has this scene got to do with costumes & make-up ? Well if you are watching this movie on DVD, I would request you to pause & rewind the scene and watch carefully again. The blades are rotating at full tilt, the grass is swaying wildly under the influence of turbulence, but guess what ? Himesh’s wig is firmly in its place. Blimey! it doesn’t fly off. Such fine display of craftsmanship has not been seen on screens since Bhanu Athaiya won Oscar for designing dhotis and scull cap for Baapu.

Film-Fare for Best Dialogues

Himesh is sitting poolside with a Apple Mcbook on his lap. Apparently he is busy composing a new tune ( “Pappu can’t type saala”) . A girl in bikini wades out of pool & walks up to Himesh and says with utmost sincerity ,

“Hi, Handsome”

Classik. There was not a single soul in the theatre who didn’t 'get' this dialogue. It almost brought the roof down. Err, almost, cause the roof shattering dialogue was to come bit later.

Urmila and Himesh are in middle of jungle. Himesh is trying to convince her that he is indeed a re-incarnation of Ravi Varma, her husband from previous life.

And Urmila is like, whatever dude I won't sleep with you, I don’t believe in this reincarnation crap. So Himesh says, I am gonna tell you few intimate things which only a husband and wife would know about each other (apparently, this is pre YouTube era, so whatever transpires between a husband n wife within the 4 walls of bedroom, stays in there)

Urmila : [contracting her already contracted neck muscles] Haan Monty, bataao tum aisi kaunsi nazook baatein jaante ho hamare baarey mein ?
Himesh : Kaamini, tum jab bhi kiss karti ho, tum aankhe bandh karti ho.

Classik.. Roof Down et all.

No Woman, No Cry

This post heralds a new low for this blog in terms of creative content & imagination. Instead of my usual self-pitying "mummy O mummy tu kab saans banegi" kinda blogs, I am posting a simple recipe for "Batatyache Kaap" (fried potato slices). If you were to ask my neighbours or relatives , what is that one thing that comes to your mind when you think of IW ? The answer would be unanimous - "Batatyaache Kaap" . This is my signature dish in more ways than one. I have eaten these humble slices of potato practically everyday for close to 20 years. I was introduced to Kaap's during my early school days & I got well & truly hooked, so much so, that I refused to eat any meals without having Kaap's in my plate. As my love for Kaap prospered (to obsessive levels) my love for all meat/fish based dishes diminished in equal proportions. I turned into a total vegetarian (or more like potatorian), much to the anguish and despair of my carnivorous Malvani family. I lived , breathed & ate batayache kaap. Only after I came to Sg'pore, I was forced to curb this addiction of mine. Six roommates (including me) = 6 into 5 Kaap's per person = 30 Kaap's was bit too daunting to make. But in past 5 years, that number has comedown to 2 roommates and now to just one. So the Kaap making frequency has picked up once again. These days I make them at least twice a week. With that bit of history & trivia out of the way, lets start with the basics of this amazingly addictive dish :

Ingredients :-
- Cockburn's Special Reserve Port Wine
- Snickers Almond Bar
- 1 FAT,well rounded, Potato
- Malvani Masala
- Salt
- Wheat Flour
- Cooking Oil


If you thought the wine and chocolate were for some exotic garnishing then you were mistaken. They are just for starters, to get you into the swing of things. Pour yourself a generous serving of this silky smooth port wine. The thing about Cockburn's (besides its obtuse name), is that you don't need any extra efforts to swallow it. Just let it rest on your tongue, it will slither under its own silken weight and slide down your throat in an elegant swirling arc, without you having to exercise your throat muscles. Wait for about 15 mins for the wine to make it's way into your blood stream. The time may wary depending upon how thick your blood is or how cheap the wine is. For me, it takes just 7 minutes flat, to get that funny light headed feeling. The emphasis here is to become comfortably numb as opposed to being soddenly drunk, coz very soon we will be dealing with a sharp knife and hot oil, so we would need steady hands & feet.

You would need a chunky fat potato. Unlike batata bhajjiya's which are thinly sliced, Kaap's come in thick slices. If you cut them too thin, in all likelihood they would get burnt while shallow frying. I do opt for thinner cuts, sometimes, just for the sake of variation.

Rinse the slices under water and get the excess water off. The idea here is to just get their surface wet. Transfer them to a wide plate, before doing that rinse the plate with water as well. Sprinkle some salt on both sides, & rub the the slices over the salt ensuring that it spreads evenly.

Now comes the mother of all ingredients of Malvani cuisine - "Malvani Masala". A dozen or more spices are blended with 2 varieties of dried red chillies (Kaashmiri & Bedki) to make this masala. Thanks to my mum, I get to use home made masala, else I wouldn't know where to buy it in market.

Sprinkle the masala onto the slices. Turn them over, and sprinkle on both sides.

If you have got the water content just right on the plate & on the slices, you won't face any problem in spreading the masala layer evenly . If you have too much of water, you would end up with watery mess and the masala won't stick to the surface. It takes few attempts to get a hang of the right combination of dampness.

Next comes the wheat flour. Dab the slices with flour on both sides. You can use corn flour if you prefer crispy Kaap's.

Put a frying pan with little bit of oil. Remember, we are not going to deep fry, this is a shallow fried dish. Wait for the oil to get warm. You can hover your palm over the pan. Once you feel the warmth emanating from the pan reaching your hand, you are ready to transfer the flour dusted slices onto the frying pan.

Let them fry for few minutes, before flipping them over. If you are a seasoned pro, you would know when to switch off the gas. If you are bit new to cooking, you can poke the slices with a fork or knife. If it goes in smoothly it means the slices are well n truly done.

Transfer them onto a plate covered with double layered kitchen towels & observe a golden halo appearing around each slice. The paper not only helps in soaking any excess oil, it also helps in draining any underlying sense of guilt over eating unhealthy oily food.

Kaap's goes famously well with rice and daal or you can eat it on its own like a snack. Before tucking in, I usually close my eyes and utter a silent prayer to myself - ## No Woman, No Cry ##

ps : In case you can't lay your hands on Malvani Masala, you can try a more generic variation of this recipe listed here on Mumbai-Masala dot Com . I doubt if it would taste half as good without Malavani Masala (but I maybe biased here).

Wind Beneath My Wings

The time is 3:38am. Yes, that's 3:38 in the middle of a dark night. You are blissfully asleep (what else do you expect?). Someone taps violently on your shoulder. You wake up with a start (sic) and drearily open your eyes. You see a food tray - filled with raajma chaawal, chana masala, pickle & a stiff dry roti thrust onto your, bed sheet covered, lap. As you look sideways, you notice, you are not alone in this. A couple, also draped from head to toe with bed sheets, are propped up next to you. They too are rubbing their sleep deprived eyes & staring blankly at the food trays in front of them. What's happening?, you wonder. A threesome in middle of night, with some food thrown in to make things bit raunchy?? Is this real? Is this really happening?

How are you supposed to react, faced with situation like this?

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Reaction - A
Scream your guts off and wake up the entire neighbourhood.

Reaction - B
Stay Calm. Dismiss this as just another of those weird nonsensical dreams and go promptly back to sleep. Perhaps during the day time, you met a comely Punjabi gal. Thanks to some deep seated psychological cravings for the aforementioned lass, you have woken up dreaming of Punjabi food in middle of night.

Reaction - C
Sob gently & start eating the food, unmindful of the tears dropping into the food tray. They say food is a great comforter (perhaps not as great as sex, but still).Someone knows that you have been depressed lately over your work life, love life, sex life, social life or perhaps just "life life". That's the reason you are being fed a 5000 calorie comforting meal in middle of night.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

I truly had not bargained for a scene like this when I confirmed my 2-way tickets to Shanghai. I was flying Singapore Airlines and I had instructed my ticketing agent that I would need Indian vegetarian food on the flight. What had totally slipped my mind, was that, my return flight was scheduled for a midnight take-off. After a breezy 1 week stay in Shanghai, I find myself heading back to Sg'pore. I arrive at Pudong airport - sleep deprived, tired & with a cacophony of hungry crows crowing in my belly, eagerly awaiting Indian vegetarian food on the flight.

As I board and quickly settle in my window seat, the usual rigmarole starts :

[ Hot Towels, for you sir ? ]
[ Juice.. Juice.. Juice.. ]
[ Fasten your seat belts ]
[ All cabin crew to their stations, we are about to take off ]
[ Tinnnng, the seat belts signs are off, for your own safety we recommend you keep your seatbelts fastened throughout the journey ]

After hearing the Captain's reassuring words, I unfasten my seatbelt & start counting down the time, waiting for the Air Hostess (AH) to push the dinner cart along the alley. As if reading my mind, one of the AH glides along the alley with a big chocolate cake balanced expertly on her hands (Pastries for starters ? who cares!). I whistle softly & wait for her to stop and offer me a bite. Before I could latch down the dining tray in front of me, I see her walk right past the economy class and into the business & 1st class cabins. Damn those business travellers ! Human Rights fella's are you reading this ?

I wait for her to return with leftovers, I am sure those business travellers are kind enough to share the cake with their fellow (lowly ?) economy class brethren. Ten minutes of anxious interval passes. The AH returns back with a smiling face and an empty tray. The whole bloody cake had been polished off by those effing business travellers, leaving me to lick my dry parched lips & nibble onto my economy class boarding pass. Before I could request for a glass of water to moisturize my dry lips, the lights go off. (And) with it, diminish any hopes of me being served dinner (Indian vegetarian or otherwise).

I reluctantly tear open the plastic bag containing the bed sheet, cover myself from head to toe, recline my seat and doze off. Three hours and thirty minutes into the flight, the AH wakes me up with her professional fake smile, and delivers the promised Indian vegetarian meal. Needless to say, the quintessential non-grumbling middle-class person that I am, I react by opting for “Reaction - C” .

The after effects of this seemingly (ab)normal turn of events is to be felt much later when the flight lands and I find myself standing in the baggage collection area. I fix my gaze on the belt & watch it churn out bags of all shapes and sizes. The slow rhythmic motion of the belt triggers some kind of parasympathetic reaction inside my body. (And) then, without any warning, it happens.

[ section edited out for sake of modesty ]

It's too late, I turn around and watch in horror as the girl standing behind me crinkles her nose and scurries to the opposite direction from where I am standing. Thankfully, I notice my bag inching closer towards me on the belt. I quickly snatch it and make a hasty exit through the green channel of Customs. I've got nothing to declare, except for some highly voluble & volatile gases. As I take a cab back home from Changi Airport, I request the cabbie to switch off the air-con and instead roll down the windows to let some fresh air in. The cool early morning breeze does the trick and I fall asleep once again to the accompaniment of Bette Midler's melodious voice wafting over FM waves.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

Mumbai 2051 - Perhaps

From the looks of it, it's gonna take whole lotta work and few lifetimes, for those khaadi clad politicians, to transform Mumbai into Shanghai. While we play catch-up, I got a chance this past week to visit Shanghai & get a first hand look at how Mumbai would look like, long after I am dead. The aerial pics that you see here, have been taken from the 88th floor observatory of Jin Mao Tower.

It's actually quite frustating to take pics atop the Jin Mao tower. For starters you need to shoot through a thick glass wall & then there are like 1001 tourist pressing themselves against the glass walls, as they pose against the panaromic views. I had consciously left my SLR back home in Sg'pore, and instead, I bought a point & shoot Olympus digital camera. Cheap camera, teeming masses, & dull cloudy weather notwithstanding, the pics did turn out quite ok, i guess.