Ghar Ghar Ki Kahaani

"Do Diwaane Shahar Mein, Raat Mein Yaa Dopahar Mein,
Aabodaanaa Dhoondhate Hein, Eik Aashiyaanaa Dhoondhate Hein"

Last 4 to 5 weekends have revolved around just 1 activity.

Finding an apartment.

- 2 Bedrooms
- 2 Bathrooms
- Lift Level unit
- Less than 10 mins walking distance from MRT
- Location between Tiong Bahru to Jurong East
- Rent between 1000 to 1400 SGD

That’s what we are hunting for. Come Saturday morning, I wake up at around 8am. Without wasting time to shower or even to comb hair, & still wearing previous nights Chaddi & Tee, I head straight to the neighborhood 7-11 store. I am there to pick "The Straits Times" newspaper. The saturday edition is "Housing Classifieds" special. Back home, seated on sofa with a pen in my hand, I get busy circling the ads which measure up to our criteria. 'N' sits next to me, with laptop & phone in tow, his ears straining to lap up the instructions that I belt out after carving few circles. In my sleep deprived groggy voice, I start barking instructions.

"Blk 527, Bukit Gombak. Can or not" ?? (Yaaawwwn)

He eagerly feeds the Block Nbr & the area code in a local Address Finder website. Within no time we are both peering at the locality map of the advertised apartment.

"Station se nazdeek deekh raha hein. I think Can."

"Chal phir, phone ghumaa."

"Number bol.."

N starts dialing the number. I don't like to make the calls because I am known to be quite terse & unfriendly when it comes to talking. So i delegate the task to N. He has natural customer service oriented flair to his voice. He starts speaking in his uber polished tone :

"Hi my name is N, I am referring to Ur ad in Straits Times for an apartment in Bukit Gombak, Block 527. "

[ **Pause 12 seconds** ]
"We are 3 bachelors. "

[ **Pause 12 seconds** ]
"No, we are not related. We are just friends. "

[ **Pause 12 seconds** ]
"Technically you can say that we are a family of 3 bachelors. "

[ **Pause 12 seconds** ]
"From India. "

[ **Pause 12 seconds** ]
"No problem. I understand. Thank you. "

That’s how the usual conversation goes, with each of the 12 second pauses filled with questions from the opposite end of the telephone line :

"How many person would be staying ?"

"Whether Family, Couple or single person ?"

"What’s your nationality ?"

Depending on the whims & fancies of the owners, we get to hear all kinds of rejections.

"Sorry hoh.. But the owner wants to rent out only for family people."

"Sorry hoh.. Owner doesn't want to rent to Indian nationals."

This time we get rejected on account of us being Indians. Most of the times, we get rejected unceremoniously for being bachelors. The stereotypical image of a bachelor as someone who is : irresponsible, unhygienic, lazy, alcoholic, womanizer & all other evil things rolled into one, is working against us in landing a good apartment. In desperation, we are now thinking of taking reference letter & character certificates from our neighbors & Ex-Current landlords saying -

To Whomsoever It May Concern :-

"This is to certify that Messrs Parikrama & friends are certified bachelors of Indian origins. They are highly domesticated & well behaved. They possess good moral character & impeccable house-keeping skills. They do not engage in any illegal nocturnal activities & are prone to return to their (own) beds before 11pm, that too, with only fluffy pillows for company. Please feel free to entrust your property in their clean, caring & responsible hands."

To supplement the above claims, we are also thinking of taking some pictures of me & my roommates engaged in mundane household chores. One pic with me dressed in apron, cutting vegetables, onions, tomatoes on a chopping board. Another pic will show my roommie mopping the floor. And a 3 rd pic showing 3 of us seated around the dining table, smiling & eating meals together like a close knit family. In short we will paint a picture of total conjugal bliss.

Meanwhile I am also trying to convince my roommate to get one of his female friends to pose as "family", when we go for viewing apartments. We can always borrow a kid from one of our married friends for few hours, just to make the family - "Picture Perfect". If everything else fails, perhaps the day isn't too far when you would see me in a drag queen outfit, trying to con unsuspecting house owners. I have already started practicing my pigeon toed lady like walk. Next pit-stop would be at a Victoria Secret outlet to shop for padded bras & lacy stockings. I have not made up my mind about cup-sizes & strap designs yet. I am still debating whether i should go for pastel shades or stick to classic black. Desperate times call for desperate measures!