I am scared to go back to India.
Does that sound bit too far fetched ?? Too dramatic ?? Well, its the truth.Why should I be scared to return to my own home ?? Afterall, I've spent 26Yrs of my life there.. What has changed in just 4 yrs ?? Well to be quite fair..nothing has changed !! or atleast thats what I wud like to believe.
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These days..I,often,wake up in cold sweat,with my heart thumping wildly against my chest.. Can't put my finger down to exactly what I am scared of.Therez a feeling of dis-orientation..not knowing where I am.. or why am Ihere. Its a Nameless,Faceless Fear.
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I wonder,is it really worth to do all the "sacrifices" ?? I know there wud be quite a few raised eyebrows..saying 'Huh ? Wot Sacrifices fella ?'.
Well to be brutally honest..Therez this thing called "Mortality".. Nobody is spared from this TRUTH..Yes, Not even Ur parents.How long can I go fooling myself, that nothing has really changed..everything is fine.. when the harsh reality of life is that..my folks have aged by 4 more yrs.. That means I have 4 less years of being blessed by their presence in my life. And in these 4 years where was I ?? I was far away, in an alien place amongst alien people..Okay, I have a small bank balance to show for these 4 yrs.. But wud this money buy immortality for my parents ??
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During that confused state of my mind,my thoughts wander..thinking, in some faraway corner of this world, my folks too must be lonely, at this very moment.How are they coping with the **loss** of their son for past 4 years ?? Are they really *alrite* as they claim to be ??
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My work has driven me out of my homeland. The place/country where I am working isn't bad..In fact its so good.. that in a very short period it has lulled my Senses, has made me Handi-capped.. has Pampered me.. has made me Lazy..has made me Mediocre.There is no everyday struggle to grab that 4th seat of a berth while travelling to work ,There is no humiliation of being pushed & shoved in a rickety train compartment with people packed like sardines.And this is just the tip of the iceberg of the things that await me back in India.
An intangible "Fear-Factor" is holding me, from jumping back into the "CHAOS" that is INDIA.Maybe its just my outlook ,which, has changed in last 4 yrs.I want to go back & be with my folks..I really do..But I am scared.Thats the truth.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Middle Of Nowhere
If I you ever wanted to know what one really means by the phrase "Middle of NoWhere", then I would take you out for lunch to "Mei Ling Food Court",the only purpose of its existance is to give meaning to such expressions.
Today I had lunch at Middle of Nowhere.This joint is so (in)conviniently located at a place where no matter which route I take it takes the same damn time to reach it.I have explored several ways to reach there and no matter which way I choose,each one takes roughly the same amount of time & efforts.
I have tried "WALKING" to this place,it takes me 20 minutes on foot to be there.
I tried "BUS + WALK", it takes 20 minutes.
I tried "BUS + BUS",it takes the same Damn 20 mins!!
Amazing! is the only word which comes to my mind .One would think I would be undergoing such ardous ordeal to enjoy a Gourmet Meal Right ?? WRONG!! Coz I go there just to eat a lowly "Cheese Burger" :( Well, there is no reason for me to frown coz I immensely love the burger at that joint.That is the reason why I am more than willing to embark on this weekly (once) sojourn to "Middle Of Nowhere".
Among all the possible routes,I enjoy the "WALKING" trail,coz it passes through a peculiarly rustic weather beaten road.Actually one can as well call it a Long forgotten road,coz I am sure this road must have had seen many a better days.The passage of time has rendered it useless for its original purpose.So there it lies, reminiscing on its lost glory,willing to tell its glorious past to whoever dares to tread this offbeat path. What once might have been a shining black tarmac is now thick Mossy overgrowth covering most of the road with a velvetty green blanket .The remaining strip is covered with brown dead leaves which crackle under your feet as you walk by.Well this "Crackle" may actually be a gasp uttered by these leaves as we crush whatever life that remains by carelessly trampling over them.There is a rusty yellow signboard which warns "ROAD HUMPS AHEAD",but now, only a couple of crows stop by to read the message, since the road has ceased to be of any utility for traffic.
A narrow gauge railway line cuts the road in two.Another signboard stands guard alongside the rail tracks,Is simply says "778-25".I guess its some secret code for the trains Motorman.The railline dissapears etching a S-shaped curve with its tracks.Whenever I cross this track, I promise myself to take a Pic of this thin spiralling rail track.But I need someone who could stand in the forground,or maybe someone sitting on the railtrack to make the picture more interesting.The track would be a perfect backdrop for a Moody portrait.This railway line dutifully chugs passengers between Malaysia & Singapore.
The road on one side of the track is dotted by some neat "Scary" row houses. Scary for those who are scared of DOGS!! Most of these houses have mean looking dogs tied outside their main doors.A very thin fence separates the pedestrians from these dis-trustful guards.They break into angry howls on the slightest hint of footsteps.I always try to walk with muffled steps whenever I pass by these houses,less I catch attention of some alert dog.But my eyes invariably wander to the window panes of these houses.The voyeurist inside me can't resist the temptation of catching the eyes of bored Mistresses of those silly dogs!!.But so far this has never happened. I will tell you when this wish of mine comes true.No wonder those dogs are so suspicious of strangers walking past those houses :))
This road eventually leads up to an Archery range which runs alongside a football field.Once past the archery range I am back to the urban jungle of my office.Once inside Office,I am back to my desk hastily hitting at the keybord writing about "Middle Of Nowhere".
P.S.:
I wrote this almost 3 years back,since then that burger joint has closed down.The archery range and the football field have been rundown to pave way for a new road/flyover.I am not sure whether the walking trail is still accessible or it too has been cordoned off due to the ongoing roadworks..One of these days I will have to venture again thru that rustic route Juz for "Old Times Sake" **sigh**
Today I had lunch at Middle of Nowhere.This joint is so (in)conviniently located at a place where no matter which route I take it takes the same damn time to reach it.I have explored several ways to reach there and no matter which way I choose,each one takes roughly the same amount of time & efforts.
I have tried "WALKING" to this place,it takes me 20 minutes on foot to be there.
I tried "BUS + WALK", it takes 20 minutes.
I tried "BUS + BUS",it takes the same Damn 20 mins!!
Amazing! is the only word which comes to my mind .One would think I would be undergoing such ardous ordeal to enjoy a Gourmet Meal Right ?? WRONG!! Coz I go there just to eat a lowly "Cheese Burger" :( Well, there is no reason for me to frown coz I immensely love the burger at that joint.That is the reason why I am more than willing to embark on this weekly (once) sojourn to "Middle Of Nowhere".
Among all the possible routes,I enjoy the "WALKING" trail,coz it passes through a peculiarly rustic weather beaten road.Actually one can as well call it a Long forgotten road,coz I am sure this road must have had seen many a better days.The passage of time has rendered it useless for its original purpose.So there it lies, reminiscing on its lost glory,willing to tell its glorious past to whoever dares to tread this offbeat path. What once might have been a shining black tarmac is now thick Mossy overgrowth covering most of the road with a velvetty green blanket .The remaining strip is covered with brown dead leaves which crackle under your feet as you walk by.Well this "Crackle" may actually be a gasp uttered by these leaves as we crush whatever life that remains by carelessly trampling over them.There is a rusty yellow signboard which warns "ROAD HUMPS AHEAD",but now, only a couple of crows stop by to read the message, since the road has ceased to be of any utility for traffic.
A narrow gauge railway line cuts the road in two.Another signboard stands guard alongside the rail tracks,Is simply says "778-25".I guess its some secret code for the trains Motorman.The railline dissapears etching a S-shaped curve with its tracks.Whenever I cross this track, I promise myself to take a Pic of this thin spiralling rail track.But I need someone who could stand in the forground,or maybe someone sitting on the railtrack to make the picture more interesting.The track would be a perfect backdrop for a Moody portrait.This railway line dutifully chugs passengers between Malaysia & Singapore.
The road on one side of the track is dotted by some neat "Scary" row houses. Scary for those who are scared of DOGS!! Most of these houses have mean looking dogs tied outside their main doors.A very thin fence separates the pedestrians from these dis-trustful guards.They break into angry howls on the slightest hint of footsteps.I always try to walk with muffled steps whenever I pass by these houses,less I catch attention of some alert dog.But my eyes invariably wander to the window panes of these houses.The voyeurist inside me can't resist the temptation of catching the eyes of bored Mistresses of those silly dogs!!.But so far this has never happened. I will tell you when this wish of mine comes true.No wonder those dogs are so suspicious of strangers walking past those houses :))
This road eventually leads up to an Archery range which runs alongside a football field.Once past the archery range I am back to the urban jungle of my office.Once inside Office,I am back to my desk hastily hitting at the keybord writing about "Middle Of Nowhere".
P.S.:
I wrote this almost 3 years back,since then that burger joint has closed down.The archery range and the football field have been rundown to pave way for a new road/flyover.I am not sure whether the walking trail is still accessible or it too has been cordoned off due to the ongoing roadworks..One of these days I will have to venture again thru that rustic route Juz for "Old Times Sake" **sigh**
Sorry "Marry By" date has expired !!
Have i gone past my "Marry By" expiry date ??
I guess I am among the rarest of rare species of Indian males,who even after reaching ripe age of 31 hasn't had the good (or bad) fortune of even single marriage proposal coming my way..not even a damn pic/bio from a prospective bride :(
Is that an indication of my "Market Value' (Yuuck) in the marriage market ?? What makes me so un-marketable ?? Why isn't anyone showing an iota of interest in me ?? Why hasn't my marriage stocks soared even after me working in "foren" for over 4 yrs ??
I guess my Marketing team is to be blamed.This team comprises of my Mom,Dad ,Sis & Me.I have to excuse my dad,he is getting old,has problems with his health becoz of which he hardly ventures out of home these days. Mom,poor soul,she is far too timid & shy,she hasn't got network of any sorts amongst our community / neighborhood / relatives. That leaves my sis, She again is a poor thing..she is having her hands full juggling her job & raising a 5 yr old hyperactive kid. She did bring-up this topic couple of years back..but back then I dismissed any discussion saying I don't want to get married (ever).Period.
So I guess I will have to shoulder most of the blame for having sunk so low down the Eligible Bachelor category that no one wants to touch me even with a barge pole. Its not that nobody has approached my parents,its just that I have been so damn stubborn & ill-tempered & vague whenever the subject of marriage was brought up that so far none of those proposals made their way to me for a final scrutiny. My usual response use to be..a trade mark "Hmm...lets see Next Year.." That line use to work quite well while I was still in my late 20's..but..time & tide,they say,doesn't wait for anyone..Least of all for a"Procastinatinor" like me..Years flew thick & fast..ALAS.. the fabled "Next Year" is yet to arrive.
I am in a fix.I have built an image of a introvertish recluse,and withme being tucked away in Sg'pore over last 4 yrs,the chasm in communication has widened even further..I don't have to face up to my parents/relatives/neighbors day in and day out,The topic now comes up just once in a year during my annual holidays & as fate would have it on last two occasions when I was holidaying in India,I was not in best of "marriageable" condition healthwise!!! So my parents wisely didn't pressurize me..
I am in dilemma "To Marry or Not To Marry " ?? Can I offfer quality companionship to my SoulMate ?? Maybe not, not with the health issue which has been troubling for more than 10 yrs now..Its nothing life threatening but its an issue which I can't ignore..Its an issue which has driven me into depression for so long. Would marriage complicate my life even further ?? Are my best years already behind me ?? Can I get into a relationship with so much negativity & pessimism inside me ?? Its quite fair that I am not in much demand..I haven't got any "positives" to offer to anyone so it serves me right being a dismal failure in the thriving marriage market.
I remember some lines,which I am loosely translating here :
"Life is like a game of Musical Chairs..Everyone is trying to grab a chair & therez always one chair less.We are running...& the chairs of Love,Marriage,Fame etc comes around just once..If we miss the chance...Then all that remains in life is just running round n round n round..."
Have I missed my chair ??
I guess I am among the rarest of rare species of Indian males,who even after reaching ripe age of 31 hasn't had the good (or bad) fortune of even single marriage proposal coming my way..not even a damn pic/bio from a prospective bride :(
Is that an indication of my "Market Value' (Yuuck) in the marriage market ?? What makes me so un-marketable ?? Why isn't anyone showing an iota of interest in me ?? Why hasn't my marriage stocks soared even after me working in "foren" for over 4 yrs ??
I guess my Marketing team is to be blamed.This team comprises of my Mom,Dad ,Sis & Me.I have to excuse my dad,he is getting old,has problems with his health becoz of which he hardly ventures out of home these days. Mom,poor soul,she is far too timid & shy,she hasn't got network of any sorts amongst our community / neighborhood / relatives. That leaves my sis, She again is a poor thing..she is having her hands full juggling her job & raising a 5 yr old hyperactive kid. She did bring-up this topic couple of years back..but back then I dismissed any discussion saying I don't want to get married (ever).Period.
So I guess I will have to shoulder most of the blame for having sunk so low down the Eligible Bachelor category that no one wants to touch me even with a barge pole. Its not that nobody has approached my parents,its just that I have been so damn stubborn & ill-tempered & vague whenever the subject of marriage was brought up that so far none of those proposals made their way to me for a final scrutiny. My usual response use to be..a trade mark "Hmm...lets see Next Year.." That line use to work quite well while I was still in my late 20's..but..time & tide,they say,doesn't wait for anyone..Least of all for a"Procastinatinor" like me..Years flew thick & fast..ALAS.. the fabled "Next Year" is yet to arrive.
I am in a fix.I have built an image of a introvertish recluse,and withme being tucked away in Sg'pore over last 4 yrs,the chasm in communication has widened even further..I don't have to face up to my parents/relatives/neighbors day in and day out,The topic now comes up just once in a year during my annual holidays & as fate would have it on last two occasions when I was holidaying in India,I was not in best of "marriageable" condition healthwise!!! So my parents wisely didn't pressurize me..
I am in dilemma "To Marry or Not To Marry " ?? Can I offfer quality companionship to my SoulMate ?? Maybe not, not with the health issue which has been troubling for more than 10 yrs now..Its nothing life threatening but its an issue which I can't ignore..Its an issue which has driven me into depression for so long. Would marriage complicate my life even further ?? Are my best years already behind me ?? Can I get into a relationship with so much negativity & pessimism inside me ?? Its quite fair that I am not in much demand..I haven't got any "positives" to offer to anyone so it serves me right being a dismal failure in the thriving marriage market.
I remember some lines,which I am loosely translating here :
"Life is like a game of Musical Chairs..Everyone is trying to grab a chair & therez always one chair less.We are running...& the chairs of Love,Marriage,Fame etc comes around just once..If we miss the chance...Then all that remains in life is just running round n round n round..."
Have I missed my chair ??
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